never say that you understand
the way in which i feel
you haven’t witnessed what i have firsthand
how i lack the ability to heal
imagine what it’s like
when you have a panic attack
as if you’re on an 100 mile hike
and you realize your water’s 50 miles back
as if you’re a newborn child
trying to learn how to breathe
the bright lights drive you wild
uncontrollably you begin to seethe
imagine that intensity
but with every single emotion
turning you into a monstrosity
a result of your own notion
like you’re at the wheel of a car
and someone else is steering
you can do is watch from afar
as you send your loved ones reeling
never say that you understand
what it’s like to live with bpd
I’m like a mannequin of a human who shifts it’s outward displays to fit with what other people want to see.
I’m apathetic towards my life, the world changes and moves around me but I’m stuck just having to go through each day putting on a show of living and looking human whilst I feel no attachment towards myself, my present or my future.
I feel blank about everything, my existence is hollow.
One of the stranger things I’ve noticed lately is the intrusive feeling of alienation that comes with socializing with BPD.
It’s that pervasive feeling that you’re nothing more than a ticking time bomb and that everyone around you knows it, so they put on their facades and go about their days putting up with you instead of actually enjoying being around you. It’s the notion that you’re only tolerated, and nothing more.
It’s that feeling that no matter what, you’re excluded from ever having a “normal person” relationship. Its perceived as a part of the human experience that’s closed off to you, forever leaving you banging the gates with a perpetually out-of-reach sense of camaraderie locked behind.
Splitting is awful, granted… but what’s been really been soul-crushing lately is how it conditions you to be terrified of your own thoughts, and whether you’re masking those thoughts enough to put on a facade of your own and exist in the world without judgment.
It’s exhausting on a good day, unbearable the rest of the time.
this is for the people who went through trauma and didn’t come out of it with thicker skin. but, instead, came back with sensitivity to the world and a deep sadness that won’t go away. some of us went through something and lost a piece of ourselves; our broken hearts never healed quite right afterwards. i see you and i feel you and i am you. it’s going to be okay.
(via imagination)
